Note: This is my own personal view and does not reflect the views of this…oh heck. It’s my personal blog so yeah, it does reflect the views of this blog. This started off as an email to a close friend of mine and when I realised that I’ve been writing for an hour straight, I thought I’d just be lazy and repost it so that the blog gets some activity. Heh.
I’m gonna start off by answering your question at the top here, because after I realised I’ve just typed non-stop for the past 40 minutes, I think rather than having you read through the vitriol that is my thoughts on a Sunday morning and then get to the answer, it might be easier to read it here and then skip the rests of the diatribe. Hee. Up to you LOR.
Having something fun, practical, exciting, and non-threatening is possible in ***** that could go worldwide? Definitely. However, as with the rest of the literary vomit below, it’s all about minimising the risks and the potential want-to-vomit-blood moments that could occur as part of this.
For e.g. dance could be a part of this. We all know that dance is like this not-so-subtle masquerade mask that everyone kinda puts on while hunting for a potential relationship. All that body contact, all that close proximity, heck, I can’t even put my hand on the small of a stranger’s back without being called out for sexual harassment but hey, in a dance class, it’s legal! And not only that, she’ll enjoy it! As long as I don’t cup her ass, that is…
We get the weirdos, we get the perverts, we get the strange people, we get the dramas when two people hook up and then break up and start infecting other people like viruses. What to do?
Minimise collateral damage, that is. Or prevent it altogether. Somehow. Once we’ve worked out that somehow, call me. I think we’ll have a very successful business plan….
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you on this…this is a HUGE topic, where do I begin?
Re. not finding something that works, maybe I’m going to be all INTJ and judgemental but I feel that there’s a lot that goes into the bias that comes with dating. On one hand…
1) Romantic comedies and media has portrayed dating as going out and finding the “perfect” man or woman. I believe that we both share the same view that there is no such thing as the perfect man or woman. There are many the “ONES” rather than just one sole individual. So is finding a partner about settling for second best? Definitely not but it’s also not about being perfectionist and finding Mr. or Ms. RIGHT on the first try. That said and done, there’s also the potential that people expect things to go a little too easy. For e.g., sleeping with someone on the first date. Hey, might as well get the sex bit done and over with and especially if how prodigiously good someone in bed is going to be a determining factor in the relationship, I guess you might as well. But as we ALL know, how hung someone is doesn’t determine whether you both are going to grow well together into your old age. So for me, it’s treading this really fine line between wanting the perfect person and expecting it to come easy. So are *****ers now becoming more kiasu and expecting top notch partners with little effort?
2) Staying in a relationship? Hm. Of course, an abusive relationship should be something both men and women should get out of if they find that they are in one. Is it fickleness? Or is it, as Vince Vaughn once said the movie “Old School”, (for reference at 1:15
) “Let me be the first to say congratulations, then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life.” Coarse, yes. True, I don’t know, is it? Are men the only ones who think that once they settle [whether in marriage or for a steady relationship], they are stuck with the same person for the rest of their lives [sexually or otherwise]? Do women think that? Do women pine for the better
man out there that they haven’t dated yet? But I think it is also worth mentioning that if the man/woman you are with is a good man/woman who complements you [not completes you!] and stands next to you and supports you and you love him/her more than just “Oh, he brings home the bacon” or “She does my laundry and makes sure I have clean underwear”, then it’s a start. Isn’t it? On that note
, how important do you think passion is regarding staying in a relationship? Should it be a full on, no holds barred, feeling of wanting to ravish a person at all times? That passion does wane, at some point, like the phases of the moon. Is it a lack of passion? Or wanting a change? Something different? If both parties don’t feel the need to communicate or want to work to stay in the relationship, then it’s kind of moot to continue doing so, no? Read an article several years back (I remember this clearly ‘cos I was having fish & chips at the Flying Squid and flipping through a gossip magazine) when I came across a biological fact that men are only “faithful” for the first 18 months of a relationship (doesn’t matter which status) as that’s considered the “honeymoon” period. Why? Biologically, all species live for two purposes – survival, and propagation of their continued survival (passing on genes.) For most creatures, 18 months is more than enough to guarantee that most creatures would have reached adulthood and the male is ready to move on, spreading his genetics elsewhere. The female’s role, then, is to apparently find the next male with superior genetics that would also ensure the survival and genetic viability of her own genes.
I think for the people you know who are struggling to stay in a relationship, the first thing to do is to find out why. Why the struggle? A more honest self-discussion, perhaps, is required to answer these questions. Nothing a good coffee, a notepad/notebook, a pen, and some quiet time in a lonely corner of the Link at Otago Uni won’t solve. +)
3) A platform to meet people? Hm. Maybe it’s the INFP in me that wonders about such a thing. Is there even such an issue? Ye ole’ introverted me thinks that smiling at strangers would constitute meeting people already, what’s more having to talk to them. But what is the issue here, really? Do we not meet enough people in our lives already? Or in the same vein and theme as this email is about, is it about meeting more eligible people that we find date-able? Is it about meeting people that we find attractive, that we want to “share genetics with” as per point no.2 as above? In that case, supposedly, Tinder offers the best experience. I’m probably being harsh, but Tinder is akin to ogling people on the Internet or in real life but the best thing is, that if you express that your interest based on their physical appearance alone and they apparently feel the same way, then you get to meet up/hook up. Huh. Isn’t that what we already do when we go to a bar in hopes of meeting a guy/girl? Tinder is just the mobile app version of meeting in a really really big bar sans the alcohol so I guess the chances of not making a drunken decision is lesser. [that said, we haven’t considered the alcohol factor that may occur when two people DO meet IRL.]
Are we looking to meet people to find love? Of course, that’s not the only reason that we meet people but in the context of this email, I guess that when we do meet people to find love, there is a sudden desperation about the whole thing. Love is such a power emotion, a raw, primal instinct that we all search for, because after survival and passing on our genetics, we all want and long for the need to be wanted and cherished and cared for and to be given another reason to live than to just escape the sabretooth tigers and bears and fuck all the time. The desperation exists because to find LOVE is rare and beautiful and tear-jerking and akin to finding an entire HDB storeroom of gold bars – you JUST GOT TO FIND THE RIGHT HDB FLAT, THAT’S ALL!
I think a search for love and meeting people to find a date-able person is a bad thing. No doubt, people HAVE found love in that way. Shauna & Daniel of Gluten Free Girl fame, as an example. Some of my dance friends have met their partners that way. All power and glory and honour to them, I say. Well done. But I personally feel that when you go to a bar to look for a one night stand or a long term relationship (or go anywhere for that reason), things tend to go wrong. How can we define love or a loving, long term relationship on the basis that we are wild creatures looking for superior genetics wanting to bump uglies to ensure our continuing survival so that little “***s” and “****s” or “****s” or “****s” or “****s” would continue walking the Earth? I feel that speed dating or date my mate or romantic meetups cater to our primitive minds whereas love and loving long term relationships speak to our more higly evolved minds wanting more than a cave and a warm body on the animal hide next to us. We want that guarantee, that seal of approval that the choices we make wanting someone to hold our wrinkled bodies and kiss our toothless mouths in future are the right ones. Tinder/speed-dating/date-my-mate/meetups/whatever-else-is-out-there wants to provide that little bit of security – that we are in control of this dating process, this selection component, that we are not choosing someone based on the fact that they read the same books that we do or that they have broad hunky shoulders and a chiselled jawline or breasts that threaten to spill out of their tops.
We make the choices
. So we feel good about ourselves.
And then when things go wrong, we blame the process. We say that speed dating attracts the losers and the desperate. Tinder is just booty-calling strangers on your phone that like the look of your ass. All the weirdos turned up at the meetups. It’s too expensive to meet someone. It’s not safe, there’s no privacy, etc.
Well, what were you expecting? If you lived in the early decades of A.D. in the Middle East/Europe and you rebelled against the Roman Emperor and got throw into the gladiator pit to be devoured by lions and killed by other gladiators, can you say that it’s unfair that other people were trying to kill you and lions wanted to eat you? Hm…not really. You rebelled in the first place. Everyone else probably rebelled too (for the sake of this made up scenario) and now, they’re just fighting for their lives. Or, for a more modern Singapore twist to it, people pay SGD10 for a buffet at some unknown tiny hotel and then complain that the spread isn’t as extensive as Shangri-La’s buffet.
My personal thoughts about this dating process?
I think it’s bad, really. So many physical/emotional/mental/spiritual hurts come out of this. You expose yourself physically/emotionallymentally/spiritually to someone via this process and when they don’t meet your expectations (and/or vice versa), you feel rejected, unwanted, unloved (that word again!) and your primitive needs aren’t met. [Sometimes, even getting a good lay out of it makes you feel even worse. So now, you’re carrying someone’s genetic material which you may or may not want/shared your genetic material with someone and could potentially have to pay child support if they decide NOT to abort]
I believe that meeting people in a rather less threatening environment with no pressure to date or sleep together would be ideal. Personally, I’d rather date someone I’m already friends with. I know you in a non-threatening way, I connect with you (with all my quirks and personality issues), I understand your quirks and personality, I find you attractive (physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually/whatever-way) which is why I’m still friends with you (let’s be honest, we’re all shallow to some degree), we share common ground (or see eye to eye with certain issues or topics), etc….think about friends and how it would be easier to date them than a total stranger. [Of course, not all friends are date-able] but you get the idea, I’m sure.
Heck, dating a friend is like super slow speed dating. Why the speed? Why the need for microwave-like levels of readiness? 2 minute relationships? Why not turn on the slow cooker and have 8 hour slow braised beef brisket with roasted veges rather than 5 minute Indomee with a fried egg? [That said, I do enjoy the quick and dirty meal from time to time, heh.]
That said, there’s the risk of losing a friend if the relationship doesn’t work out. Maybe just ‘cos I’m immature like that. I’m sure you’ve heard of the popular term ‘friendzone’ where supposedly, when Person A likes Person B but B only sees A as a friend so A has been placed in the ‘friendzone.’ I like to think of this in a slightly different way – A and B both like each other but because they both value their friendship over a potential relationship, they both decide not to pursue the relationship, hence, the “friendzone.” Of course, I guess if I’m more mature, we could probably still be friends even if the relationship didn’t work out. But different people have different levels of physical/emotional/mental/spiritual maturity, no? And I think a friendship post relationship depends heavily on that ability to let go of the past – maybe/probably not forget it – but to accept it as fact and move on.
Huh. That’s an hour on this. What do you think?